♥

I want to scream.
I want to cry.
I want to laugh.
I want to pretend everythings ok.





For those of you who get off on my misery... eat your heart out.

Well im sure everyone has heard that Chuck and I broke up awhile ago and that im seeing someone else. His name is Justin and we are going to be having a baby in early December. ((On Ossie's Birthday if everything goes well lol.)) <~ funny the way things work out haha. I guess I just need to vent really. Justin is amazing and treats great. He's got to amazing beautiful little girls and we have place we are fixing for our home sweet home. I just wish want things to fall into place already. I kinda crashed and jumped into a situation without really know what the outcome would be. I took a leap of faith and its treated me well thus far. I do however regret how things ended prior. I never try to hurt anyone. Im tired of the rumors and the sour looks. Everyone goes threw things and as we do we find out slowly but surely whos really behind us. Friends are suppossed to be there no matter what stupid, crazy, or abso-fuckin-lutely amazing the outcome is.

Im scared, anxious, happy, sad, angry, confused.

I have crazy dreams and everything has been rough with this pregnancy so far. I want to enjoy it. I want grow a bond with my unborn baby. I want glow and be at peace.

Why is everything I go threw complicated? Why does everything have to be hard?

Do you think I'm special?
Do you think I'm nice?
Am I bright enough to shine in your spaces?
Between the noise you hear
And the sound you like
Are we just sinking in an ocean of faces?

I took everything i had to make this choice and im hoping this is what i need. I think i need to get my shit together and work on me before I can work on or with anyone else. I feel like the worlds biggest piece of shit for hurting him and its never what i wanted. I love him with all my heart Im just im not okay at this point in time with my life. family, money, work, etc. I have a plan to move out of coudy and carry on. Im hoping im doing the right thing. I feel as tho I am but yet it hurts sooo bad.

im not sure what to think.. i know you're saying "im okay" to make me feel better.. im a big girl and i know its simple.. but yet it scares me soo much....




....worried.

my dad has tumors growing on his eye.


it just keeps coming.

*sigh*